Distance relationships often fail. This section explains why and what you can do to best avoid the pitfalls and give yourself a better chance of making them a success. I was involved in a distance relationship with a woman from Japan for 2 1/2 years before she came to the United States. We've been together about 17 years now, and happily married for 14 of them. The first step towards a successful distance relationship is at least discussing the difficulties with your partnerl. The less time a couple spends apart (in weeks, months or years) the better their chance of succeeding and surviving their separation.

Discussing the Difficulties

A long distance relationship is any relationship between a "committed" couple in which both parties live at least three hours apart and cannot see each other on a given day if they need to. They also can't see each other every weekend even if they want to. In other words, if they have a disagreement, they cannot just run to their cars, drive an hour each way, kiss and make up or tell each other..."See you this weekend!" Distance keeps them apart unless they make specific plans to be together.

If one person does not move closer to the other first, 90% of all long distance relationships end within a year. 95% within two years. 98% within three years. 99% within four years and it is infinitesimal how many last five years. The reasons why long distance relationships fail at such a high rate are:

People force communication to occur every day, usually by phone. They also e-mail too often and "say" things in writing that they can never take back even if they apologize for them. No matter how hard people try to avoid it, e-mail can be misinterpreted and a couple can spend to much time trying to rectify what was "said."

Daily phone calls cause huge phone bills and associated arguments over mundane topics. Two people may have nothing new to talk about as they just talked the day before. Even from a long distance away, they can smother each other and the passion begins to escape from the relationship.

They "surprise visit" each other and then get jealous and upset at what they think they see, hear or perceive. Most couples are not mature enough to deal with the fact that their significant other now has new "friends" that they know nothing about.

Human beings crave physical affection. People miss the other person's smile, eye contact, scent, touch, kiss, touch, and most aspects of physical intimacy. No matter how much a couple tries, physical interaction cannot be replaced by a phone call, letter or cyber anything.

Absence does not make the heart grow fonder, PROXIMITY does! After too long a period of time, human beings begin to seek ways to meet their needs much closer to home. This does not have to be a conscious effor. Sometimes it happens almost by accident. We don't want to disappoint or hurt our significant other and feel extremely guilty when we do.

People begin to "forget" the other person's wonderful qualities and attributes because they are not being reinforced on a regular basis. We like to be around people who care for us. Our significant others so far away cannot do these things for us.

People grow apart and develop new interests. When we are on our own, we find ways to compensate for losses in our life. This is not done out of spite, it is our most basic survival instincts kicking in.

Reunions are passionate. Separations are emotional. Often couples get back together and focus soley on the physical aspect they have been missing and craving. This is like putting a Band-Aid on an amputation as it doesn't feed any aspect of the relationship except physical desire. The rest of the relationship doesn't get nurtured.

People try to control each other from a distance. Control develops out of fear and fear develops from a lack of faith. People often fear that they will lose what they have or never get what they want. The more a couple tries to control each other, the farther apart they will drift and the less attractive the relationship will appear.

Finally, in a cruel twist of fate, if a couple survives the long distance part, they still may break up when they reunite and move back closer to each other as they have gotten so proficient at being apart they find they are no longer good together in the same place. They got so used to being apart that they have lost the ability to be together.

How To Make your Distance Relationship Work

Don't talk everyday. Let some time go by so that you actually look forward to hearing each other's voice or seeing their words on your screen. And when you do, you have something meaningful to say.

Share the costs of being apart to the extent that is feasible. Money matters can be a huge burden to one party feeling the pressure to keep the relationship together and pay for everything.

Be careful how much you open up your heart and feelings and time to those people closer to you in proximity. If you allow someone access to your heart, they just might take a nice long walk through your emotions and your long distance partner will notice a change in you.

Don't see each other every weekend. Let some time go by so that, again, you look forward to seeing each other. When you do reunite, don't let it all be about the physical. Feed the rest of the relationship that needs nourishment as well. Get out and enjoylife's experiences so you don't feel cheated. Revel in your friendships. Learn who you are.

Never argue over e-mail and try not to argue over the phone either. It is best to have intense discussions in person the next time you see each other so that nothing is misinterpreted. Don't surprise visit each other. People are creatures of habit and don't like their patterns messed with. What if you don't have time to spend with them when they visit because of commitments? It will seem as if you don't care and that may be the farthest thing from the truth.

Age does make a difference. Older people with some life exeperience under their belts can usually weather long distance relationships better than younger folks in their teens and twenties.